I’m not sure how we’re getting things done most days. Some things are definitely easier now that the girls are older, but in other ways it’s also harder as they both are commanding our attention in different ways. Mia mopes around the house like a teenager sighing that she’s bored. We realize that we need to schedule more playdates for her, but it’s been hard to commit to plans and host playdates when our schedules are so up in the air. Claudine freaks out every time Mark leaves the apartment, even if it’s just to throw out the garbage, so thinking up alternate forms of childcare other than the few people who she is familiar with has been stressful. Lately we’re feeling like our heads are spinning. I’m not really complaining even though all personal projects have been put on hold. I am working and with that brings relief, a bit of a cushion and being able to exhale as I’ve realized that I’ve been holding my breath for two months. But it’s hectic, always hectic.

Mark and I will start each day checking in.

“So, what do you have to get done today?”

Then we’ll circle around till we find some kind of child care configuration that works. Sometimes it falls into place and sometimes it doesn’t. When it doesn’t or if there is just too much to do, the work gets delegated to the evening after the kids are in bed. It’s like doing a 2nd shift of work from 8pm - 2am, but it’s 6 hours of uninterrupted work time. The day is not unlike trying to piece together a puzzle, constrained by time, appointments, deadlines, drop offs and pickups. We think in chunks of time: “you can have 4 hours here if you cover for me in the morning”. And this is how the negotiations begin.

When we successfully get through a day, we breath a sigh of relief. It’s like we beat the system by creating our own work schedules and careers without conforming to a black and white world of deciding between a full time job or no job. Sometimes it doesn’t make financial sense to work if all you’re bringing home is a paycheck to cover the costs of childcare. There are other reasons to work, of course - benefits (and for us, that would be a huge boon, obviously) and keeping your foot in the door of your career. But I guess those of us who decide that we can try to do it all - work, make money, conduct our own businesses, and build flexibility into our schedules so that we can chaperone a school field trip once in a while - make a choice. We trade in stability for flexibility, fund our own retirement and health insurance for more time with our kids, sacrifice free weekends and evenings to juggle 2nd jobs and multiple projects. But this is the price to pay for paving your own path.

I don’t remember too much the struggles that my parents may have had with childcare issues when I was a kid (as it should be since kids shouldn’t be burdened by the stress that you may be feeling). I do, however, remember being shuttled off to babysitters early on which was something that I dreaded and I used to hide under furniture, crying, not wanting to go (I had serious separation issues which isn’t surprising considering stuff that happened in my early years). Later, when my brother was born, my grandmother arrived from Korea and lived with us for many years which must have been a huge relief to my mom.

But I do recall one incident when my parents must have been in a strapped situation. I was around 5, although I can’t be sure. My dad took me to his store in Manhattan, I assume because there was no other choice that day. I don’t really remember what I did all day at the shop, but at one point in the afternoon he took me down to the movie theater 2 doors down from the store. Disney’s Cinderella was playing on the big screen. He asked the guard to watch me for the duration of the film, instructed him to call if I needed to be picked up, told him that he owned a store 2 doors down. And then he left. The theater was nearly empty and I was scared. I may have even started crying, quietly. It may have been the first time that I had ever watched a movie on the big screen (I think it was). But I do remember that as the movie started playing, I got totally engrossed in the film and forgot that I was scared. Right as the movie ended, my dad promptly picked me up and took me back to the store.

I wonder how different NY in the 70s could have been back then if my dad thought it was ok to do that. And I suppose the guard or anyone else in the theater thought nothing of it if they didn’t call the police or flat our refused to let my dad leave me there, but can you imagine? But I remember this one day so clearly, sitting in that dark theater all by myself watching Cinderella. I sort of laugh about this now when I think of all the creative ways we deal with childcare dilemmas while we try to push through our crazy days. Most times we succeed…and those are good days.

Having family far away really sucks. It used to not be so hard - the kids were too little to understand what it really meant to say goodbye, and while Claudine is still in that phase, Mia is old enough to know that when we say goodbye, it means that the person won’t be there in the morning. She spent most of the evening on Aunt Lara’s last day very grumpy and distant (hence no photos of her). Guess you learn how to do that early on - distance yourself from that person so it won’t hurt as much later when they’re gone. But that never really works, does it?

I chuckle every time I have to photograph new marshmallow flavors (in this case, espresso, which we’ll have for sale in a few days - they all got snatched up within an hour at the BK Flea). I mean, how many different ways can you photograph a marshmallow? But strangely enough, many ways and I am becoming a bit obsessive over them, mostly because they aren’t looking like marshmallows to me so much anymore, but abstract shapes with weird textures, particularly the oddly shaped ends of the pan that don’t get packaged up.

It’s all part in a series of projects I’m doing with the bits and pieces of materials that aren’t used but discarded from the byproducts of the biz (well, except for mushrooms which are my other photographic obsession. I’ll show you those soon).

I’ve also been toying with the idea of selling photographic prints for awhile. It’s been a long process, however, and I’m nowhere near opening up shop. It’s partly due to the fact that I’m feeling a little bit unsatisfied with certain technical aspects of the photos like sharpness and resolution, etc., but largely due to the fact that I’ve been searching for some kind of theme to unify the work - I don’t want to just throw together a collection of my favorite photos - and so this is where I’ve been struggling. I think over the years I *have* developed a certain style - the product shots are pretty minimal and monochromatic and props are used sparingly, but that may be more to do with the fact that I very well may be a lazy stylist. I am, however, becoming more and more interested in photographing food as completely abstract forms which is why I find marshmallows and mushrooms appealing, but….would anybody buy this stuff? (OK, Nichole, I know you would). I can only imagine it if they were blown up big, to take that abstraction even further with an exaggeration of size that is out of context which is why I’m obsessing over sharpness and resolution.

In any case, I’ve got some plans to push these abstractions further. We’ll see where they go.

Even pancakes. 3 flavors: pumpkin cornmeal, apple and sour milk, and clove and rosewater cooked up by a historic gastronomist in the park near our house.

Also during this busy, spring-like weekend, Claudine learned how to scooter. She went slow and steady while all the other neighbor kids zoomed around her on their razors, but she was so cute that I wanted to constantly go over to her and give her a squeeze.

But I restrained myself.

Aside from her visible excitement over finally learning how to scoot, she looked like a little old granny with that little leg of hers chugging and pushing the ground away with turtle speed.

You didn’t think that I was going to post another photo of the flowers, did you? But they’re still quite enchanting, don’t you think?

So. I’m trying to have a good weekend and pick up the pieces after an awful Friday. Life has a way, sometimes, of kicking you down repeatedly which most times I can handle, but especially after climbing up to a certain feel-good place after news of Mark’s dad and being so sick, it’s been particularly hard to pick myself up. Overbearing, lifetime family problems that flare up when we decide not to ignore it, a mysterious case of nausea and mild stomch cramps for the last 18 hours (NO! Not pregnant!!) that has me feeling lethargic and on the couch, and news of a 20% increase in our health insurance premiums this year have left me feeling beat up again. How are we supposed to ever get ahead when our already ridiculous $1226 monthly health insurance bill is now going to be $1436? Maybe this is what is causing my nausea.

We’ll just have to work that much harder. Not sure what other choice we have.

But there is nothing left to do BUT pick up the pieces, is there? Besides, I’m determined to make this a good weekend. Mark’s sister, the girls’ beloved aunt, is here for the weekend before returning to Seattle after a 2 week stay with their dad. I am all caught up with deadlines so I won’t be working this weekend which really works well with my Saturday plans of lying horizontally on the couch. Winter seems to have kicked the curb, thank god, and I’m looking out the window to sunny, 50 degree temps and watching people play soccer in shorts and tee-shirts. And because of all the weight I’ve lost from illness and possibly more from this current bout of nausea (which may or may not be such a good thing considering my frame), my a-little-too-uncomfortably-tight, muffin-top inducing skinny jeans aren’t uncomfortably tight anymore.

Nice.

I did a photoshoot for my friend Tami’s Ismodern Fall 2010 children’s wear line. The girls were also models. Can’t show you the clothes yet, but here are some out takes. As much as the girls are used to being photographed by me, it’s a bit hard to wrangle kids into posing naturally, especially when they start over exaggerating smiles and expressions into what they think is their photo look. Mia in particular, just wanted to play, but once she got into the “modeling zone”, she turned out pose after pose and surprisingly took direction well. Only to humor me, of course because if you can visualize a six year old putting out poses while thinking to herself “oh mom, hurry up…I’ve got playing to do!”, then you get the idea.

But you want to know what makes a girl a girl? Her love of shoes at any age. Tami got the girls 5 pairs of shoes for the shoot - glittery ballet flats, gold sneakers, and fun jelly sandals - and they took them home, lined them up and played “shoe store” with them for days.

I’m in overdrive work mode again. Knee deep in the crazy, juggling 3 projects. Insane. Never experienced deadlines like this.

But as busy as I am, I’m really itching to work on some of these projects that I’ve started in my downtime, particularly the ones that involves the teabags. Why does it work like that? When work is slow, all I want to do is sit on the couch and do nothing but surf the fashion and gossip blogs and eat Doritos (yes, my weakness and I’ve had whole twitter conversations about them with other fans), but when I’m up to my ears in work, the motivation suddenly appears out of nowhere. Infuriating.

But all this to say…I’m back. I’m feeling infinitely better. The antibiotics have kicked in. Not as lost or depressed as I was feeling for several months back. I have energy again. I’d just like a few more hours in the day, please.

PS. I did an interview with my friend Amy for her Playlist series for the Herman Miller blog. The first in the series was with Nichole (didn’t I say she was my parallel universe twin?). You can read mine here.

I came back into town late last week knowing that I wanted to cook a nice hearty meal with some oxtails I had bought earlier in the week. I also thought it would be fun for the girls to give the pasta machine another try. As far as the oxtails, I have never cooked with them before so I needed some guidance. I found this recipe from Mario Batali, but made a few changes. I substituted bacon for the pancetta and red wine for the white wine simply because that’s what I had on hand. It also seems that in the original recipe the meat is left on the bone, but I instead chose to remove the bones and incorporate the meat back into the cooking liquid (after reducing it a bit) to make a sauce not unlike a ragù. There is no pasta in the original recipe either - it is served more like a stew, but this was great with our homemade fettuccine and ended up being exactly what I wanted to make. Once again, I’ll do my best to use the pasta machine more often because it is easy, tasty, and fun for the kids. I made a similar proclamation almost two years ago, so we’ll see how it goes this time around.