I’ve been feeling a bit insecure the last few days. I seem to go through this cycle every few months where I get a bit down and begin to question the path we’re on when things get a little slow. Some of my smaller work projects got unexpectedly pushed back a few weeks which was welcome relief, but as much as I try not to, I start to get very antsy if I’m not working. I know that in a few short weeks I will get slammed as all my projects, big and small, will most likely start at the same time, so I’m trying to spend this unexpected free time drawing and sewing and not dwelling on the slow progress of things. How does one learn to relax? Is it something you can learn? I can’t stop my head from spinning with a million business ideas and projects and other things I want to accomplish. Mostly because I have this big responsibility to provide for my kids and I’ve convinced myself that climbing the corporate ladder is not the path to achieve this, at least not for me. Still, sometimes I get tired of “just getting by”. I thought by the time you reached your mid to late thirties you would have it figured out. Trying to figure out what you want to do when you grow up, at this age, is getting a bit old I must say.

Once in a rare while there will be days when the stars align and I don’t have any client design work to do, nor cookie biz to tend to. If I’m really really lucky, these days fall on a week day when we have our babysitter. I’m proud of myself, actually. I didn’t fritter the day away watching videos on Youtube or going shopping (although have you heard? Bird in Park Slope is moving from the South Slope to 5th ave, around the corner from where I live. This is dangerous, as one of my money-saving tactics is to not go window shopping, however, if I’m going to be walking by a store like Bird which is filled with tempting clothes, but isn’t cheap, every single day, argh!!!). Instead, I spent the day with my new sketchbook and paint. I’ve been obsessive about seaweed and it’s complex, organic formations. There are so many varieties too, which make it the perfect subject to become obsessive about. These are just quick sketches, and not at all as intricate as I would like the drawings to be, but it’s a start, considering I haven’t picked up a paintbrush in well over 5 years.

Aren’t these papers pretty? I went to New York Central Art Supply in the East Village this morning to pick up more paper for our sampler gift boxes and I admit I got a little carried away. I LOVE paper and I haven’t been to this store in well over 7 or 8 years. Along with our usual Tibetan sunflower paper, I also picked up a nice gray paper and this delicate white rice paper to play around with. We’ve been getting quite a few wedding favor inquiries so I wanted to experiment with packaging.

Unlike the East Village, New York Central has hardly changed since the years I used to frequent it way back when I was an art student at the Cooper Union a few blocks away. It was nice to be back after so many years and still feel like it was familiar. The surrounding neighborhood, however, is hardly like it was when I lived on St. Marks during college…or even just 8 years ago when I lived on 12th street (crap, I’m freaking old). I don’t come to this neighborhood very often so I forgot about the new stuff like that curved glass monstrosity that’s sitting on the former parking lot of the old Carl Fischer building that we used to cut across every day. It’s hard not to think of old memories whenever I pass by that old Cooper building. I look up at the 5th floor windows and think about how we threw eggs from that window, aiming at the then Cooper Chicken awning across the street (I know, TERRIBLE, but we were 18). It was a weird time to be in art school - the country was in recession and war in the early 90s - and I lost my interest in art. What I do remember about those years was that I grew up and actually lived life. I’m not saying that I had a sheltered childhood, but I spent so many years in high school focused so intently on drawing, painting and sewing, that by the time I got to Cooper, it really wasn’t all that interesting to me anymore.

Walking around in the drizzle today, I recall the morning I walked home from a friend’s apartment 2 months into my freshman year. It was my first time staying up all night with friends since I moved out of my parent’s house and it all felt terribly grown up. The group was mostly older, in their junior year, and we talked about art and life and looked at paintings in this smoke filled studio. When I left it was already at the cusp of dawn. The streets were eerily quiet and empty and I walked home alone down Lafayette towards Chinatown totally and completely happy.

You may guess by now that I am a complete nostalgic sap. When I moved to the West Coast after the Cooper years, I met my match in nostalgic sappiness through a classmate in music class. We later shared a house with 2 other people in Portland (Mark being one of them) and one of our favorite things to do was stay up late till the wee hours of the night, talking and reminiscing about New York. We didn’t know each other then, but we lived parallel lives (me at Cooper, him at the Jazz Program at the New School) and we both left the same year to come to Olympia to study music. We would lounge on the couch and stare at a NYC subway map that he had taped up on the wall and talked like old folks about food and restaurants, beloved streets and neighborhoods, and characters and experiences that we shared in common. Good times.

I’m actually better about letting go of the past since I’ve had kids. It’s not hard to do when you have so many things to look forward to, but when you live in the town you grew up in, it’s hard not to run into shadows of your former life.

My neighbor Sonjie and I went to visit our friend (and fellow neighborhood parent) Lindsey at ICFF today. Lindsey has just introduced her bubble chandeliers rolled in 14k gold foil and the effect is dazzling. Quite spectacular I might say, and if we ever hit big with the biz some day, I’m ordering one of her lights.

It was another gray and dreary day here in NY, quite cold and wet and we drove to a Vietnamese spot on Atlantic Avenue for an impromptu lunch after we left. Noodles in broth is the perfect way to ward off the chill, but I had something new that I’ve never had before - the Vietnamese sandwich: ham, pate, pickled carrots, mustard and greens, all on hot crusty French bread. Quite good, so much so that we ordered another to share. Yup, 2 sandwiches and a bowl of pho. We were very hungry.

A few months ago I finally got around to doing something that had been on my list for a very long time. I had a skirt that never fit me very well, but I loved the textile so much that I couldn’t bear to give it up. I loved the hand-brushed orange circles and the crinkly textured fabric - it was almost like paper - so it was too bad that the skirt fit oddly. One day, however, it occurred to me that it would make a gorgeous dress for Mia (and eventually Claudine). I made the dress and hung it in the closet where it remained for a few months. Today was like an unexpected summer day - blue skies and downright hot in the mid-day sun. I pulled the dress out and Mia wore it happily, exclaiming that it was her favorite dress. it might be mine as well.

I fell asleep on the couch for a few winks earlier this evening so of course I’m wide awake at 1am. I got some work out of the way and what I should be doing - what I want to be doing - is finally going over the stack of unread magazines that have come in the mail. I used to savor those evenings, flipping through the eye candy in fashion and design magazines, but there hasn’t been any time. Instead, I’m starting to rethink the packaging of the products. I think what we have is fine, but it was done so fast for the Flea, that it hasn’t settled with me 100 percent. The print job was rush, so I didn’t have too much time to proof and refine the colors so the yellow and red isn’t right. I waffle between doing something minimal and clean as I’ve done, to something a little more ornate and a bit more hand done. Unfortunately, like any print job, it isn’t cheap and we have 9 different products to produce labels for, so whatever I do next - and the end of the label rolls might creep up sooner than later - has got to count.

My big wish is to have all the time and budget to get this right. I dream of doing custom printed paper and tissue wrap from the little cookie pattern that I’ve designed, or printed boxes instead of bags. One step at a time…I still haven’t forgotten about my little marshmallow dolls either.

Naming a business is like naming a child, which is something we know all about considering we’ve done it twice, with a difficult last name to boot. We considered a few possible contenders, asked friends and families for suggestions, and then this name sort of just came along. It’s totally not the vibe we were going for originally (we were thinking something a little more urban, with Brooklyn somewhere in the name), but it stuck with me even though it was kind of odd and I didn’t love it immediately. The name started growing on us and we started to plan a whole concept of sweets infused with spices and everything sort of made sense. Suddenly, the name just fit and I started imagining “whimsy” and “spice” as illustrated characters (I do have this strange urge to make plush marshmallow dolls).

I’ve been spending the last week designing a logo (the latest incarnation above - can’t promise that it’s the last), business cards and labels. The labels have been particularly tough because you have to fit all this information in such a small space and since my design style goes towards minimal (can you tell?), it’s been a bit of a struggle. It’s crazy to think that we just started this business 5 weeks ago. Mark went to file the papers to register the name officially at the county clerk’s office on Friday. We have our EIN number now and a tentative date for our first run in a commercial kitchen to produce the goods in earnest. Part of the decision to go to a commercial kitchen is so that we can eventually sell on the web - you can’t sell food on the internet in NYS or even have a website, period, if you decide to bake out of your home, even if it’s certified (can you imagine? Who doesn’t have a website these days?). So it’s real and it’s scary and we feel like we’re operating a bit on autopilot because things are moving so fast. That’s been a good thing really, because this has been a great distraction from dwelling on the reality of unemployment.

I’m pretty tired and sleep deprived and trying to fit all this in while juggling 4 freelance projects at the moment, yet I just couldn’t sleep at all last night because of all the things we still needed to do. On top of that list is thanking everyone who have come here to visit us in the short time that we have been up (and thanks to Apartment Therapy’s ohdeedoh for the shout out), especially those of you who have written about your own personal stories of starting a business. If there are more stories out there to share, I’d love to hear them.