I’ve been trying to write this post for a day, but have deleted, rewritten and deleted whole sections again. Sometimes words roll off the fingertips. Sometimes it’s a struggle to put a cohesive sentence down at all. But I feel in a space of 36 hours, much has happened. It’s been an interesting few days. I spent the middle of the week feeling sick and finally surrendered to the fact that this cough wasn’t going to get better on its own after 4 weeks, so I went to the doctor. Along with a prescription for antibiotics, I also came away with a realization and a load off my chest. I think I finally get it now. I don’t know why I’m having “low-grade” depression (as I’ve been calling it) but that is why it’s hard to shake off. There is nothing tangible that I can place it on. But the pursuit of happiness isn’t so elusive if you understand that it’s takes effort, motivation and a willingness to spend time to prioritize the things that can help you feel better. Like the cough, it doesn’t just go away on it’s own and the busyness of life and work is really just a distraction from dealing with it. It’s so obvious, right? And yet, when you’re feeling down, it’s those very simple things like sleep, exercise and reaching out to other people that are hard to muster energy for.

But I’m working on many of these things. I’m ready to chase away insecurity, lack of self confidence and feeling like I’m faking my way through certain things in life despite what I’ve accomplished and what others say and perceive (do you ever feel that way?). I did an interview over on the ModernEmotive blog and one of the things that I said was that you need to hustle and work hard when you are self employed, but you also need to trust. And I realized that I don’t trust enough - myself, my family, my talents, my network, my life, my confidence.

I had a pretty extraordinary day this week. I had quite a few opportunities that sprung up on the same day and quite unexpectedly. Things that are scary and fun and potentially exciting. There were meetings, phone calls and social get togethers and potential projects that made me reassess the things that I had planned for the beginning of this year. I have been going out at night a little more too which had been a rarity in the past and the city is such a different world when the sky is dark and the lights are out. I’m not used to it. But now that the kids are a little older I’m starting to feel like I’m having a life that is separate from the kids. So much of my social circle for the past 6 years have revolved around them. It’s refreshing to talk to people about business, blogging, and entrepreneurship, and not about sleep schedules, potty training or tantrums.

People who don’t get it sometimes laugh when I say that I have this social online life or that I’m going to meet some people that I’ve met online. But the truth is, all of those worlds are converging and I no longer make that distinction between virtual friends and real life friends. To me they are one in the same, and through effort we are meeting one another (to quote Claudine’s favorite phrase right now “for real life”) and even making summer travel plans.

I recently sat with other women in the most amazing glass penthouse downtown with the city lights and the East River as the backdrop. Some of us were writers, others were designers or editors, some had day jobs, some were entrepreneurs, some were married, some not, some had children. But we were all bloggers who met through twitter and among lots of things, we talked about why we blog. I think we all agreed that although it is scary sometimes to put yourself out there, we are also getting something back, which is why we do it. So true. I know there are many of you who have said that our story of starting this business and the struggles of work/home balance has been inspiring. I’m glad to share, but I’m also getting back from so many of you as well. It’s obvious that this business has changed our life, but not necessarily in the way that I had thought. At the end of the day, work is work, but it’s the opportunities and relationships that have developed through this blog and the business that has been a most pleasant and life changing surprise. These are connections that I’m cherishing right now.

You just can’t make this stuff up.

Just when I thought I’d seen the craziest outfits, the kids come up with this. The creativity, the disregard for playing by any rules, the absence of self consciousness - maybe we should learn a thing or 2 from them (NO, I’m not suggesting that you or I walk around outside in a tutu and mismatched tights, but you get what I’m saying).

Years ago a friend and colleague of mine had this idea for a book - to document the fantastic outfits that kids style themselves. I think it’s still a good idea. Anyone want to give me a book advance?

We woke up on New Years Eve with a surprise snowfall. The snow was totally unexpected and had already packed a few inches on the streets and sidewalks by morning. The air was also quite still so the day did not feel cold. We set out to a friend’s and fellow Kindergarten classmate’s house in the morning with the snow still falling and we spent the day slurping on blueberry smoothies and playing old fashioned games like Twister. Then a jaunt to the playground in Prospect Park across the street for snowball fights and fort building before we came home to settle in for the evening. I can’t imagine a better way to spend a New Year’s Eve than to spend it with friends.

In hindsight I feel like we should have closed the shops for longer than we did. Mark had a nice 4 days off during Christmas weekend, but as soon as we got back to Brooklyn on Monday, he was back all day in the kitchen on Tuesday and everyday since. We even had a few late nights mid-week packing up orders which left us scratching our heads as to how we ended up back here scrambling to get everything out. We envisioned this a quiet family week with lots of outings, but it wasn’t so. By the time New Year’s Eve rolled around, we didn’t want to do anything but just stay in, even though we had invitations to 2 parties. The girls hadn’t seen Mark much all week and we let them stay up as late as they wanted on New Year’s Eve. They lasted till 9:30 when they were practically begging to go to sleep.

We have the best neighbors. We have a real community here in our little corner of the city and it reminds me a bit of how I grew up playing kickball in the street with all the neighbor kids on the block. You know you have great neighbors when they offer to bring you a Christmas tree, come over and help package, and throw parties where all the kids go up “on stage” and perform dance routines for the evening’s entertainment. It feels a bit old fashioned that way. The kids in our building are all growing up together since the time they were babies and toddlers and there is nothing like that experience to build early childhood memories from. I hope all of you have a special network of friends and neighbors. It makes all the difference.

Gotta say it again. People are nice. Thanks for all the supportive emails, orders and comments and all that over the past few months. It’s made ALL the difference in our lives, you have no idea. What can I say…it’s been a pleasure to meet such great people via this blog and if you haven’t done so before, please consider dropping a comment so I can know who you are (only if you want - I checked my stats for real over the weekend during our hosting fiasco to see what we were dealing with over on this end of things. Um, there are so many more of you than I thought).

I’ve received a few gifts over the last few months and want to share.

1. Stella, one of our favorite customers from 80%20 handed these cheerful, stripey bow flats over to Mark one day at the Flea to bring home to me. They are just happy shoes, aren’t they?

2. The mug is from my friend Rei Jin of Baily Doesn’t Bark. It’s one from her old series before she relaunched her line, so it’s “vintage” BDB. The girls freak out whenever they see the ants on the cup, hehe.

3. Lecia sent me this beautiful calendar of her photographs. It’s hanging in our office.

4. Jennifer gave me this lovely lovely necklace that I’m wearing right now. She is a blog reader living in Booklyn with a Hawaii connection who reached out to us and subsequently did some research for me and even babysat the girls. She taught them to properly do the hula and brought back grass skirts from her last trip home to Hawaii.

5. I’ve already mentioned the hats that were sent to us by Wiebke of Line and Liv in Germany. You can buy your own here.

6. Products from Amala! My friend Nichole sent me a generous care package in exchange for using a photograph of mine on their blog and now I’m in heaven. I was just thinking that day that I should maybe consider buying some eye cream because my beauty regimen had basically been reduced to nothing or whatever they have stocked at Costco (which isn’t bad - Cetaphil and Elizabeth Arden Night Cream). I was never a makeup and product junkie, but like any person really enjoyed splurging on a nice lipstick or some face cream when I had more disposable income. When we made the move to really cut things from our budget when we first had Mia, beauty products and facials went out. I started using drug store brands or nothing at all and I was fine with it. It was a far cry from the days when I worked in the beauty industry and basically had a steady supply of free products from every brand imaginable (I was using La Mer for awhile for God’s sakes). But the other day I really missed that special, nice smelling bottle of lotion. Then the package came. I piled a bit of everything on from every bottle and tube all at once. I was making up for lost time. Doesn’t take much to make me happy.

Oh, and I can’t forget Claudia from Brazil who sent the girls Havianas which I took a photo of back in August. Claudine clutched hers around for a week wherever she went like they were dolls. And Gregg from the Backdrop, one of our seasonal retailers. What other wholesale account sends YOU a thank you note when they receive your order (and ice cream over the summer, just because)? Good lord, you’re killing me with kindness.

Thank you.

Too bad we kind of suck at planning one. It isn’t Claudine’s birthday yet (that happens on Friday), but we slapped together a casual birthday party on a week’s notice for this afternoon. Mark squeezed in time to make a cake but everything else was literally bought and hauled back home within 15 minutes of guests arriving. It’s been that kind of week. But I’m glad to say that Claudine was very happy even if she was flip-flopping about the party all morning. And I’m glad we got our act together to throw one for her (low key all the way - no rented venue/hired entertainment for us, which seems the norm here). I mean look at this kid. She deserves a party. Man, I freaking love her.

Mark is still going non-stop as this week has proven to be just as busy as last week: a bunch of wholesale orders, brisk online sales, 2 weddings and 2 cake orders plus the Flea this Saturday. I’m still not working these days but I am waiting for at least 2 projects to start which are in their contracting phase (and I’m not breathing any sighs of relief until I have a definitive start date - anything can still fall through). It is so weird though, because despite the lack of work, the days have been so busy and I almost can’t remember - or even fathom - working 8 hours a day in addition to all the stuff I’ve been doing daily just to make sure everything is running smoothly. It’s not like I am taking on more or less stuff around the house. The laundry still needs to get done, the house still needs to get cleaned, Mia still needs to get dropped off and picked up, business emails still need to get answered and cookies still need to be packed, but how did I work on top of all this? It makes me realize how crazy our schedule is when I’m juggling 2-3 projects and that the current pace of affairs is so much more sane, so much more civilized. I think this is why I still don’t have any leftover energy to tackle that long list of projects and it makes me feel a little less guilty, because you know what? Life is just busy, period.

One thing that I *have* been doing with this bit of spare time is meet with friends for lunch or a coffee. Even though I never feel out of touch with people anymore because of all the various ways to stay connected (like a friend and I realized the other day that we had “talked” via twitter, facebook, email and text…all within 2 hours, geez), it is so nice to be able to sit down across from one another and catch up. I even went impromptu boot shopping the other day with my friend RJ which turned into a shopping therapy session. We sat on the bench at a shoe store and analyzed and rationalized to death potential shoe purchases. But it’s those moments I miss when I am crazy busy - shopping with a girlfriend, being an enabler of purchases, and waking around the city window shopping, looking at stuff, being inspired by stuff. When I’m working, there is too much staying indoors. Sometimes days go by when I don’t even leave the house because I need to stay focused on work and there is so much to get done.

I’ve had many fantasy thoughts lately about the business supporting us so that I wouldn’t have to take on so many projects at once or worry when there is a dry spell. Some days I feel like this is achievable. Other days I am not sure whether it is even logistically possible in our current situation if Mark can even single-handedly bake that many cookies a month to pay all of our bills. Maybe one day I will do the math. I am a little afraid to find out.

I think we need a vacation from our drive to our vacation. Getting all those deliveries made around Brooklyn before we left and hitting major traffic wasn’t fun. And imagine Mia singing the WHOLE way there, which is what she does whenever she gets into a car (no, actually, she pretty much sings 75% of her awake time). Plus we didn’t realize that our check in time at the rented house was supposed to be at 3pm and we got there at…10am. So after a couple of hours bumbling around vineyards, having lunch, grocery shopping, a trip to Starbucks, a quick jaunt to the beach and worrying if my mom made the drive back to her house after coming with us in the morning back in 1 piece without falling asleep at the wheel (she suffers from chronic insomnia worse than me - sometimes not even sleeping a wink at night), we finally settled in. The kids were excited about the bunk beds in their room and the house was surprisingly well equipped with toys, but being that the place was much smaller than our apartment, they had toys dumped all over the place within 15 minutes.

Our first evening ended with dinner at the Swissmiss North Fork house, which is just a few minutes drive from the house we are staying. Mia was so excited that she was going back for a visit that she was a completely hyper, not to mention hungry and overtired from waking up at 5:30am this morning (!!!) and not even falling asleep on the drive over. Can’t remember when I’d seen her like this (oh wait, yeah…earlier this afternoon…).

I’m the last one up as usual but I stupidly drank an espresso after dinner.

I see a bug on the wall. I will try and ignore.