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really? social angst already?

Posted by Jenna on January 28th, 2010 | Category: the girls

I’m finding myself in a situation that I’m totally unprepared for. One that I was expecting down the line, yes, but not now, not this soon. Some time after your baby is born you might have flashes of your child as an adolescent in school and wonder what’s in store - will she be popular? Will she be unpopular? Picked on? Considered the weird one and ostracized? Ganged up on? The last to be chosen for a team? What? All of this stuff SUCKS and we probably all have some recollection of the angst related to growing up as we navigated our way around social lessons. One of the perks of being an adult is that you don’t have to deal with this crap anymore (hopefully).

I never thought I had to worry about Mia. She’s always been confident, gregarious, an extrovert and could instantly make friends wherever we went. I always thought Claudine would be the kid I’d have to worry about since she is shy in public and takes a long time to open up to people. But here we are, already dealing with an antagonistic situation and the heartache of suddenly having a friend drop you, of being told that you’re not wanted or liked, and not having a best friend in class while others have all paired up in twos.

Mia’s a strong kid. She’s resilient and not easily bothered by things, but she is also fiery and “overly-friendly” to the point where she could be overbearing. I know this. And lately I’m seeing some of her confidence start to wane just a little. It’s hard to know what’s really going on at school and a little piece of me wonders if she bends the story or leaves out details so that the situation is more sympathetic towards her. I just don’t know. But when your kid is telling you that she spent most of recess by herself in her “lonely place”, well, that just breaks your heart.

So how do you deal other than to talk to your kid, the teacher and the other parent? You can’t control what’s going on when you’re not there. YOU’RE NOT ALWAYS GOING TO BE THERE. And let’s be honest - kids, especially girls, can be mean. So viciously mean. It makes you want to gather up your kid in your arms and cast a protective invisible forcefield around them so that any meanness just pings right off. You don’t want this for your child. Ever. And the thought that I have a large part in how this little person who will grow up to be an adult someday will handle all these hard lessons in life? Terrifying, especially when you’re trying to get your own shit together.

Posted by Jenna |

Comments

kimberly
January 28th, 2010

oye - it totally sucks, even at 26, it still sucks to be dropped by a friend for whatever reason (sometimes their fault, sometimes yours).

it’s even more difficult when you’re that young, because at that age you don’t understand what’s going on, how was I wrong? what did i do wrong? (i still find myself asking that to this day).

i guess this is where self-reliance is key. that even when you have no one, you always have yourself, you always have love for yourself. if you give up on you, you have nothing.

even now, i’m still trying to grapple with it — certainly not an easy process.

lots of hugs might help too & just being there to listen…even to this day, my mom is still my best friend.
ChantaleP
January 28th, 2010

Wow, I can’t help but comment cause suddenly, we are going through something similar. Suddenly, my kid hates preschool. PRE school! I feel your heartache and frustration. My kid’s 5… I don’t know what’s happening in school. I have no idea if what’s she’s telling me is true. Sometimes I can barely make out what she’s talking about. But something’s going on and we’ve made a decision to have a meeting with the teacher. I feel like you, always wanting to hold my kid and never let go. But we have to. I think in your heart you must know Mia and Claudine will have these moments in their lives but they will come out of it fine. It might even define and shape who they are in the end. Stronger, more resilient.
Hang in there mama!
Fiona
January 28th, 2010

Hi Jenna, she sounds just like my daughters. One who’s 11 and one who’s just started school. People say the early years are the toughest year of parenting and that’s true to a certain extent, but at least you can fix everything for them at that stage. When they start school and friendship becomes important to them, they’re on their own suddenly and it’s a shock to a mother to find suddenly that you can’t fix everything, and also that other children will be smarter, more popular, more socially adept. That overly friendly vibe, my daughters have it in spades. My son less so. I’m sorry but it’s inevitable that other children are going to knock some of the radiance off a well-nurtured child like yours. Mia will come through a bit of sadness and learn to be more like other kids. Having said that, I was far too ‘oh I don’t want to be the over-anxious parent bothering the teacher’ with my first daughter. Now I’m tearing in like a mother tiger at the FIRST sign of a problem and I suggest you do the same. And keep at the teacher, at them, at them, at them till your kid is happy. There’s no way a teacher should be letting your little girl sit in her lonely place. I’ve found it’s far better to let the teacher that it is his/her responsibility to sort it out with the other parent. In the meantime do lots of playdates if you can with any child Mia is even vaguely friendly with, it doesn’t matter if the other parent doesn’t reciprocate. The very best of luck.
Rachel | Fog and Thistle
January 28th, 2010

Ah, this subject is actually close to my heart. So strange to be dealing with this so soon. I thought this challenge was years ahead of me.

I actually have a great book to suggest to you, The Unwritten Rules of Friendship
http://www.amazon.com/Unwritten-Rules-Friendship-Strategies-Friends/dp/0316917303

What I like about this book is it is divided into different personality categories and your child can fit into more than one area. So you can flip to the pertinent chapters. The book offers real specific suggestions on to handle situations. I had success by following some of these suggestions with Amelia earlier this fall. And it actually helped me by realizing a couple of things about myself as well.
Fiona
January 28th, 2010

Sorry just to clarify the last point, it’s important not to antagonise the teacher. You want to bring out their protective instincts towards your child, not tick them off. If it gets to the point where you feel the need to be confrontational with the teacher, maybe on the third failed attempt, talk to the head of the school instead.
modernemotive
January 28th, 2010

Ugh, it’s so heartbreaking that this stuff is starting to happen so early in school these days. I thought highschool was for these particular tough times? I wish I had some advice, but I’m not a parent, so find it a little hard to relate as I’m sure my reaction would be different if I was.

Hugs to Mia!
Mary-Ellen
January 28th, 2010

I have experienced this with my child and was shocked how quickly cliques form even in preschool. During this experience, I recall that I tried my best to let my child know that 1) friends are not what make you special. You are special for who you are. 2) if people are treating you bad or saying bad things you can be sure you do not want them as your friend 3) if you act/pretend that their words don’t bother you, they won’t have any power and will stop saying them.

Within a week, my child gained confidence to play by herself and then was approached by other children interested in the puzzle she was putting together and made a great group of friends from this process. It taught her what a true friend is and helped a lot with her self-esteen. It’s so painful, I know.

In the end, Mia had a great set of parents, and that is more than half the battle, at least as far as confidence goes. I know you both will get through this hurtful phase stronger.
kim
January 28th, 2010

i have this plaque in my kitchen “create your child for the path, not the path for your child”. sometimes the path is not easy, ok most times. i just keep enforcing the same things ive learned. to be themselves. its ok to do some things alone. dont let anyone talk, touch or treat you with disrespect. you cant control what others do but you can control how you react. basically what you advise them today have it be something they can apply to the next situation. dont get involved in the nitty gritty details. oh and my running motto is “they must still be working on how to be a good friend. (the way you’re working on ____) you dont want to eb treated like that but when theyve learned how to treat you if you decide then you would like to be friends with them again ghead.’

i also dont have girls.
kim, mom to 3 boys ages 3-7
Sam
January 28th, 2010

I used to be a teacher of kids around this age, and I would say that the teacher still has a lot of influence at this age. When this kind of thing happened in my room, I normally had a talk with both girls, separately, and sometimes there were answers to be found and fixed. If the problem just wasn’t going to be fixed, I normally “introduced” the girl to another friend. Girls can be mean, but they can also be very open and friendly, especially when they know that someone needs a friend. There’s no reason for her to be alone; it will just take a bit of intervention by a loving teacher.
KristineW
January 28th, 2010

I’ve always believed that parenting is definitely not for the weak at heart. So many lessons, so many challenges (for parents and kids alike) to learn from. Yes, we have the daunting task of helping to shape our children, but so does our environment. Take a step back and think of a solution that will “ground” you and make you feel as though you’ve chosen the right path. There is really no wrong one. Children become resourceful by learning to use their resources. A lesson I myself don’t always practice. I do agree with the above comment, start with the teacher. He/she has much experience to share.
kin
January 28th, 2010

i was totally the over-friendly kid up until kindergarten - making jokes in class and be-friending everyone. then my family moved at the beginning on grade one - new school, new classmates entirely, and terror struck. i became a total introvert and had a hard time making friends and feeling remotely confident at school for the REST of elementary school. i remember days in grade 6 or 7 when i was still coming home and lying to my parents about how much fun i was having or who i was hanging out with because i didn’t want them to know that i wasn’t one the the ‘cool kids’. i never could have worked those problems out with my parents because i was too worried i’d break their hearts or dissapoint them somehow by not being the boistrous little kid they thought of me as. there was a world of difference between who i was at home where i was comfortable and who i was at school. it’s possible that little mia is in a similar boat. i think an intervention from a teacher or any other outside source would work wonders.
jennifer
January 28th, 2010

So scary Jenna. Going through the same thing with Sophie. She has a ‘mean girl’ friend that I found out recently has been hitting Sophie. Sophie just lets her do it and it breaks my heart. I had a talk with her mom & her teachers.

I saw Rosalind Wiseman speak about this topic a few months ago and it made me want to swoop up my girls and home school them.

http://rosalindwiseman.com/2009/08/19/queen-bees/
Michelle Shopped
January 28th, 2010

oh lord, i’ve been there with my kids — it is heartbreaking…and it’s painful when i revisit it through someone else’s heartache…you will both find your own way through it and hopefully not be too broken when you do…xxx
sally
January 28th, 2010

Oh Jenna, this breaks my heart. I think maybe a chat with the teacher is in order…just so you can get a clearer picture of what is going on. And I do think (good) teachers are sensitive to the social circles formed in class and could be instrumental in helping Mia pair up with some other sweet girls. Parenting is tough and seeing your child hurt is so difficult. xoxo.
Amanda
January 28th, 2010

Oh god, I can’t even imagine what it’s like to have a young girl and have to deal with all these issues. I’d be so heart broken! I guess the best thing you can do is encourage her to talk to you about everything and pray that it all turns out ok in the end
Kristen
January 28th, 2010

Ugh, so heartbreaking to hear about. I had forgotten how mean little kids, boys and girls can be. What is with that?? This actually happened to my little brother last school year and again at the beginning of this school year, he is in the third grade this year — it just breaks your heart. And like Jennifer commented above, my brother ended up having one little boy who would beat him up, 8 and 7 year olds, this is ridiculous. Some of the incidences happened right on the small school playground and it blew my mind how a kid could get away with being so mean and the teacher not seeing.

Luckily, he is doing really well in the third grade and despite being so nervous those first few weeks about making friends he seems to be doing fine. I think after talking to the teacher and maybe reading some books with Mia on the subject she will eventually find her way and meet some nice friends. One other thing, any little league sports or other activities she could get into? I think that gives them confidence and a chance to make friends outside of school
chris
January 28th, 2010

Oh boy is that familiar…and it only gets worse! Girls…I really wished they would fight like boys - fight/argue and then forget it and go on playing. Girls are just evil and mean. It started with my daughter with a friend in first grade. I have always had a firm hand in raising Meg to be nice, not talk badly about others (even when she is mad at them) and treat everyone the way she wants to be treated. What we are seeing now, in 7th grade, is that some young girls’ lack of parenting in this area is really starting to show. Even she talks about how their parents must not have taught them to treat others very well. Just wait until you get to the name calling and cussing stage. They are vicious and when they do it via text, its no holds barred. Last weekend the “best friend” writes, “Leave me the fuck alone BITCH.” I told my daughter to remind her her friend that she will do this one too many times and there will be no friend to come back to. Sigh……they must make their own way with just a little hand-holding, as you can see by the text Meg received, some girls have no hand-holding.
Caroline
January 28th, 2010

My heart goes out to you! Sounds like Mia could be my daughter camille, just 3 years ago. She went from being popular and happy to being left out of everything both in and out of school…..reason? Jealousy I believe, from a good friend!! My daughter was 11 at the time, but thankfully has left it all behind, as will Mia through time. Really difficult as a Mum to watch. Take care….
Tina
January 28th, 2010

My daughter is 6. When she was younger, she was a total extrovert but as she’s getting older, she has become more self-conscious and shyer. Whenever she’s in a new situation, she sometimes clams up, fidgets or if I’m there, hides behind me. But after awhile, she’ll be her total self - a ham. At the moment, she’s pretty friendly with all her school mates. She doesn’t have a best friend or friends, yet. Sometimes, I feel I need to make the initiative with her and invite some over for playdates so that maybe she’d become closer to one or few of her schoolmates. But I get anxieties when I’m around people I’m not familiar with and the thought of trying to contact these mothers to set up playdates have my heart racing. So am I ruining my daughter’s future social life? Will she be a social outcast because I can’t be friendly with her schoolmates’s moms?
leslie
January 28th, 2010

So sorry to hear about this! My older daughter is a confident, strong girl, but unlike Mia, she’s pretty shy and introverted. She has plenty of friends, but she’s also very thoughtful in the things she says and does — in other words, she says what she means.

This year (she’s in 4th grade), she’s had issues with her best friends who oftentimes fling words and thoughts into the air without much consideration. These words sting, and most of the time the friend will come around again as if nothing happened. It’s hard for my daughter to grasp, because she would never say anything that she didn’t mean.

I also have a hard time explaining that she shouldn’t always take words for face value. . .because young girls can be manipulative, and they oftentimes say the opposite of what they really intend. Sometimes it’s difficult for me to send my children to school (who have been taught to be kind, considerate, friendly etc) only to be confronted with kids who don’t appreciate that. It’s completely frustrating!

Here are some books that I’ve found valuable:
1. Queen Bees and Wannabes (unfortunately some of the *mothers* can be clique-ish and catty) - http://tinyurl.com/ycganmd

2. This American Girl Series has been helpful to read with my daughter too:
http://tinyurl.com/y8ljlut

Good luck! Sending cyber hugs to Mia (and mama!). I understand how you’re feeling! Hope that brings some consolation!
quyen huynh
January 28th, 2010

Such a heartbreaking situation. I feel for you and Mia. Sending lots of hugs to you and Mia.
Carolyn
January 28th, 2010

I can totally sympathize with what you’re feeling. Pema is doing well socially in school, but I’m worried that she may get labeled the “class nerd” later on if she keeps going the way she is. She’s such a rule-follower and constantly telling kids that they aren’t supposed to be doing such-and-such, so that doesn’t help either. I know how you just want to wrap them in bubble-wrap sometimes. I have no doubt Mia is strong enough to handle these situations. But if I were in that situation I would probably mention it to the teacher and see how she’s doing socially in the class and let her know your concerns.

By the way, he other day Pema said to me, “Chelsea is my second-best friend”. When I asked her who her best friend is she said, “Mia”! It’s been what? Over two years??!
Jenna
January 28th, 2010

THANK YOU all for these wise words and sharing your experiences. They are helping immensely today. Mia had a better day today, btw.

Carolyn, omg that is so sweet. Mia talks about Pema all the time. I think it’s really remarkable - they were so young!!
Ez
January 29th, 2010

This just breaks my heart and brought tears to my eyes. I’m so sorry your little one is going through this and I know the hurt you must be feeling too. I will be sending many positive thoughts your way.
xox Ez
lesley [smidgebox]
January 29th, 2010

my husband just asked me why i had tears while reading a blog. this is so upsetting, i’m so sorry you are having to deal with this. it has been my biggest fear since i had kids about what would happen at school. i’m absolutely terrified of my little ones being bullied or hurt or upset. my oldest [5, very sensitive + happy boy] came home early from preschool last week. he told me he wasn’t feeling well. the next day, after i kept him home from school again, he told me that he was really just afraid of a new girl at school, who had head-butted him at the play-dough table [!!!] and wouldn’t leave him alone. It broke my heart. He now doesn’t want to go to school on wednesdays, the only day this girl is there.
I hope you and mia find a solution that works. girls can be so mean. makes me dread when my girl starts school in a few years. good luck to you
pam
January 29th, 2010

Oh Mia is so adorable. I’m so sorry she is going through this. Girls can be SO mean! I remember being the happiest kid in fourth grade, everyone got along really well and then fifth and sixth grades came along. The worst years ever! I was psychologically bullied by this girl who was the meanest! I think of her now as being that little girl in The Bad Seed. Anyways, I think she preyed on me because he knew I was nice and friendly to everyone. She probably saw this as a weakness, which of course is not. Sadly it’s seems it is the nicest people who get taken advantage of or bullied the most. So unfair. I never told my mother about this bullying girl, I dealt with it on my own which was very difficult. I hope all turns out well for Mia, she is a lucky girl to have you.
Cecilia Hanna
January 29th, 2010

Jenna, my heart goes out to you and Mia, but like us she will survive. I have an adorable niece, now 12, who has gone through very difficult times dealing with her own personal crises of loneliness and being ostracized while in elementary school. Now, however, that she is now in middle school it’s almost as if overnight the kids grew up to her level. She has a better social circle, more in common with the kids around her and her past experience I think is what has made her blossom into such a leader. Sometimes it’s the high winds that makes the small trees grow stronger. Peace and love to you and your beautiful family.
alexandra
February 1st, 2010

i really cannot say anything as a parent, but i can remember some of the feelings that i had when i was the same age as mia, maybe i felt bad in someway, but i remember to think how should i deal with that (one of the things was precisely give some insights to my mother) but we all do okey, and learn to be stronger. and mia is an amazing girl, she will get over it, i’m sure. anyway i try to imagine how it must be difficult for you, oh, and i know how powerless you may feel, but everything will be alright. *
Wren
February 1st, 2010

Aw, I don’t have anything to add other than I know how you feel. My 10 year old told me last week he’s an outcast, but he said it so nonchalantly. It still broke my heart because I guess I always figured he’d be popular since he’s a really good looking kid (if I do say so myself). Sigh, I don’t know what to do, I just hope middle school is better.
Alexandra Graves
February 5th, 2010

I just read this post and found it interesting the different comments many people had. Obviously having children makes you incredibly vulnerable to their pain, and it is difficult to keep yourself from protecting them at every turn. I work in higher education and there is actually a documented problem within the university setting with children in the age range of birth to 20 years old described as “helicopter parents”. I’m sure the term is relatively common at this point, and many parents feel that they are not having a negative impact, or even “helicopter-ing” over their children but it has made the transition into college noticeably more difficult for students. These students are much more likely to drop out of school, take leaves during school, and have their parents intervene on a more regular basis. Because they had parents who jumped in and were overly-involved in their childhood, they have had a difficult time transitioning into the adult task of post-secondary education. I see this every year while my students move into the residence halls, begin classes, and while it may sound harsh, either sink or swim. I can now predict that the students whose parents help them with every part of their application and transition, are much less likely to succeed in academics, social and residential situations.

I have to say, that as someone who struggled through much of my childhood (developed early, had terrible acne, was awkward and labeled the “weird” kid), the lessons that I learned while being off on my own or dropping and gaining friends were very valuable. Who put such a high premium on being popular, and well liked? Obviously we all want to be the popular kid, but someone has to be the genius, someone has to be the geek, and someone has to be the loner. In my experience, being both popular and an outcast at different points in my life, the most interesting people in the room are usually the odd ones out. I struggled in a way that made my parents want to scoop me up as “helicopter parents” actively do now, but those struggles made me a much stronger person than my friends who had the easy life of popularity throughout their childhood and adolescence.

Learning how to be alone on the playground and depend on yourself are very important things, and had my parents picked me out of every one of those situations, I never would have been able to adjust to those experience when I left for college, or moved out on my own.

Just a little food for thought.
Alexandra Graves

feel free not to publish this if I’ve offended. It was not my intention.
Denise
February 11th, 2010

The feelings of insecurity from childhood experiences of being sidelined can/do get carried over to adulthood. Even as adults, we do experience friends growing apart and friends favouring others over youself.

I was in a all gals sch for 11 years and had my fair share of being snubbed and sidelined on and off over the years. I am now a mother of 2 precious kids (7yrs and 3 yrs) and have a loving husband. All these should give me all the assurance and confidence that I need. However, an single incident such as a friend not responding to my phonecalls/emails/chats over a prolonged period of time will immediately send intense feelings of self doubt through me. I will often wonder if it’s through some fault of mine that I’m no longer liked by others. It is not nice to be ‘dropped’ even as an adult And till now, I do sometimes look at my more ‘popular’ peers with a sense of envy. These people get invited to gatherings/ parties/playgroups with their kids in tow so frequently. With facebook, one can easily see who the more popular folks are.

Well, I know I need to get a grip on myself, get rid of such destructive thoughts and work work work on my self confidence. Afterall, I have two kids to set a good example for!